Our baby Mack

 Oct 15

It’s been 3 months today since we said hello and goodbye to our sweet Mack and ironically it’s pregnancy and infant loss awareness day. Unfortunately, I was already aware of this day as Mack was my 3rd loss. My first was before God blessed us with any children so the fear of not being able to have any, haunted me. 

I’m super grateful for the 3 precious babies that I have at home and will never take them for granted. It’s still extremely painful losing a baby that you wanted, prayed for, and couldn’t wait to possibly complete your family. When people lose a dog, people don’t tell them well aren’t you lucky that you already had dogs at home or you can get another dog? A loss is a loss and losing a child has been the most difficult and heartbreaking thing I’ve ever had to experience. It’s a grief like no other. 

I went in for a routine check up at 18 weeks. I’d been extremely sick with all of my pregnancies and that always seemed to be a good sign. We had the genetic testing done so we could find out the gender at 10 weeks. We were absolutely thrilled to be adding another little boy to the chaos, for Camp to have a brother….. and a little less pink in the house. 

I had Camp in the stroller with me as I usually did. Fortunately, the girls were at school. Cliff was supposed to be in California all week for Marine Corps training but ended up staying at headquarters in Charlotte…. I think it might have been a “Godwink” to lessen the blow. 

The CNA had come in with a fetal Doppler and there was no noise. Just my heartbeat faintly in the background. She didn’t say anything and neither did I. I was sure the machine must’ve been broken. I waited a few minutes until my doctor came in with the ultrasound machine. She pulled Mack up on the screen. He was no longer moving. No heart flickering. “I’m so sorry there’s no heartbeat”. The words strangled me, I couldn’t breathe. There was no way. He had been perfect at 13 weeks. The bloodwork was great. I’d been so sick. Why? Why him? What did I do? 

I just wailed. I was just in shock. 

Everything got blurry but another doctor came in and agreed there was no longer any cardiac activity. Our precious son was gone. 

I couldn’t get a hold of Cliff and somehow managed to drive home. I finally was able to reach him hours later and he was able to get his orders changed to drive home. 

I was to be induced the following day. As I pulled out my duffel bag to take to the hospital, I reached in and they were still newborn diapers from Camp’s birth. Packing for the hospital to deliver a baby and not bringing your baby home is an unearthly thing to experience. As is going to the same hospital where you delivered two of your children but were able to bring them home. I was induced on July 14th. There was no heart monitor on my belly, no warming blanket for the baby, no cute outfit, no balloons……just a sterile room and a box that would keep his footprints. 

Epidural, medicine to help me not hyperventilate from crying, and tissues. No cute robe for pictures and I got to keep my bra on since I wouldn’t be nursing. Every reminder was just gut punching and I will never ever take all of those things for granted. What a blessing to be able to bring babies home.

Mack was born on July 15 at 2:59 am. He was perfect. Precious face, 10 fingers and 10 toes, long legs like his daddy. We were able to hold him but I couldn’t bring myself to take any pictures. It’s a memory that I’ll never forget so I didn’t think I’d need them. I regret it. I did need the pictures. He deserved to have his picture taken and I feel awful that I didn’t. 

We didn’t know what caused him to pass at the time but according to his autopsy, his umbilical cord was longer than normal and he got a kink in it. It’s just one of those absolutely terrifying flukes that you never want to experience. To be continued…..